Let me start by writing how much I've missed you while convalescing! Secondly, despite the topic of this post, I AM feeling much better, now. Because today is the first day my City Girl brain has not felt loopy, dizzy and lost, I decided to write a late post this week. Also, the maid is working her magic in our apartment, and I needed some work to do while hiding out on the Club floor.
On Tuesday, I had my first post-operative appointment with Dr. A, for a dressing change. I was excited to get off the couch. Initially, when we decided I needed surgery sooner than later, he explained I would be out of work for one week. Expecting to be cleared to return to the office the next day, I was very disappointed to learn I was not ready. We are short handed at my office. Because of my psoratic arthritis and autoimmunity, I am out sick or injured more than most people. My boss and coworkers are usually nice about this, but I get anxious about disappointing them.
This news really threw into a tailspin. I am normally not one to get down about being sick or mournful about the woman I used to be. On Tuesday, I found myself in that place. Despite Uber-ing to and from Dr. A's office and doing very little walking, I arrived home absolutely whiped out. Of course I was not ready! This exhaustion did nothing for my mood. I wanted to cry about being laid up, about having an immune system that attacks my joints and tendons to the point I am deformed and needing surgery, about how scary the future is and what other horrible disfigurements I have to look forward to, about being away from the office, about the possibility of having to retire early, and about being a burden to my coworkers and husband.
(insert deep breath and primal scream)
The weight of all these things really left me feeling useless to anyone, even to myself. I am not used to this feeling!!! I am the City Girl who will blow sunshine in your face on your worst day, so much sunshine you will be annoyed that the dark cloud you were brooding upon has vaporised. "What on earth do I have to look forward to?", I wondered.
So, this is what I did:
1. I texted my husband to warn him he was coming home to Debbie Downer;
2. I had a heart to heart with him about my feelings, anxieties and insecurities. Have I mentioned that he is the BEST? Just having him hold my hand and listen meant the world to me; and
3. I was honest about all this with my health coach on our bi-weekly call. Have I mentioned that she is the BEST? We meditated together on the phone to help relax and center me, then we talked about how the combination of Percocet and eating comfort foods while recovering may be part of my emotional 180. She reminded me that this, too, will pass and that these days are all a part of chronic illness.
As simple as it sounds, this was all I needed: a little community, a little affection and a little mindfulness.
I am hoping y'all will help me remember this the next time I freak out.
As I stated earlier, I am truly better, now. I am returning to the office on Monday (still slightly early) and am hoping to stay awake all day and avoid major swelling. I am excited to ride the ferry and to feel a bit more normal in my routine. I will be getting my stitches out on Tuesday and the hardware out a week later (don't ask, it's gross). So, don't worry about me.
Also, it's amazing what clean hair will do for your mood! Until next week.